How Grief Actually Works
Grief
In life, there are always certain dates that tend to stick in your mind—dates that
come every year and remind you of specific events. For me, that date is February 11,
2023. I remember when my mother passed on March 17, 2018, and the loss of both fathers
on August 11, 2010, and July 10, 2013. I mourned for them, but life continued with
only a few minor changes. When February 11, 2023, came, my whole world changed forever.
I was in room 206 at the Heartford House, 2914 Old Hartford Rd, Owensboro, KY 42303, watching my beloved husband Sidney take his last breath at 5:46 PM. His journey on this earth was coming to an end after 17 years of fighting Parkinson's, prostate cancer, and dementia. Sidney puckered up his lips for a final kiss from me and then closed his eyes. A proud, strong, loving, supportive, God-fearing family man was no longer. His journey was over, and mine had just begun.
Of course, I went through all the normal stages of grief. Even though I had time to prepare myself, I wasn’t truly prepared. Sidney was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 2006, giving me seventeen years to watch this man slowly change—from the head of the family, whom we depended on, to someone who needed everything done for him. I had seventeen years to adjust to the fact that one day I would have to assume the role of leadership in the family. Seventeen years to become that strong, dependable individual that I needed to be as his health declined. And yet, I was not ready.
Yes, I managed to put on a good disguise. I planned a beautiful funeral and wrote a loving obituary from a first-person perspective. I made sure all his wishes were met. I kept my game face on, not breaking down except for the initial moment of his death. I laid with him, touched him, knowing I would never be able to again. I wanted to remember every part of him, from his head to his toes, as I touched him and sobbed.
My supportive family, friends, and co-workers were outstanding. No one wanted to leave me alone; they sent food, cards, texts, and calls. You really find out who your friends are during times like this. And yet, all I could think about was, "When will they leave? Please leave so I can cry." I would have given everything just to have Sidney sitting in his recliner again.
Now What?
It’s back to work I go. Life must go on, but does it really? Now what, and how do I manage? First things first: taking care of business. Life continues with contacting social security, insurance companies, canceling appointments, transferring banks, closing accounts, and replacing names. Everything reminds you that you are now a single entity. No longer a couple, duo, or combo. You are uno numero! And yet each evening after work, you find yourself heading straight home to cook for and check on... WHO? There’s no one there. Total silence when you open the door. No one waiting to be taken to the auto shop to buy three cans of red spray paint to touch up "Big Red" the truck, or to go shopping at his favorite store, Family Dollar, for root beer barrel candy. So, what do you do? You plop down on the couch and cry, sitting there for hours without moving.
First TImers
What are first timers, you ask? The first time without your partner such as Mother’s/Father’s Day, the first birthday, first anniversary, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, etc. Those first timers.
The first timer that sent me into deep depression wasn’t one of those listed above. Although I struggled with them, I managed to maintain a good front. I was smart and made sure I was surrounded by family and friends on those first timers. I even did something crazy to honor Sidney on our first anniversary without him, which would have been our 38th. On September 21, 2023, exactly seven months and ten days later, I made an appointment with Lady Luck Tattoo and had my ring finger tattooed with Sidney’s name and ivy leaves, a symbol of eternal love. How sweet is that? Or crazy, right? I cried through the whole process—not because I was missing Sidney, but because it HURT! At least, that's what I told everyone.
No, the first timer that took me out was a busted pipe. The first house repair without him. I got a call from my granddaughter saying the bathroom was flooded, and water was going out into the hallway. Naturally, I rushed home to the mess, and that’s when it hit me. I stood there numb, lifeless, and confused, then just broke down crying. I stomped down the hallway, water splashing everywhere, heading to my bedroom. I was literally having a temper tantrum! I fell into my bed with my head buried in the pillow, bawling like a baby. Crying out, "WHY, WHY, WHY!" A real drama queen I was!
Let me explain this behavior. Even though Sidney’s health was declining, he was still mentally alert, and I relied on him to have the final say. He was the final decision-maker, no matter the problem or issue. He was the fixer of all! That was still his job. No matter what it was, I always waited to hear him say, "Go for it, Choo," "That sounds good, Babe," or "Have at it, Anita." It wasn’t the fact of getting it done—finding a plumber, contacting the insurance company. It was not being able to hear that final decision, Sidney saying, "Done deal, my sweets!" First timers.
Relationships and The Third Wheel
Relationships are a major topic when you are no longer associated with a title. You know—spouse, wife, significant other, my Boo, in-laws, and even friends. They all change.
How, when, what, if, who, can I, should I, will I, do I want to?
You find yourself in the third-wheel status. Going out with your married couple friends, with them trying hard to entertain you by introducing you to single men or recently divorced/widowed men. The third wheel. How out of place you feel. Please, just let me go home!
Only time will tell when you are ready to start that new relationship. Questioning your every move and thought. Am I ready? Will he be like Sidney? Do I want the same thing or something different?
The best thing to do is not to let your friends push you into something you are not ready for. You will know when you are ready, and when you do, please understand your feelings for your spouse do not go away. You will still have days where you cry, feel lonely, and sad. Those first timers will still pop up.
Give yourself time to adjust to this new world. Things will happen when they are right, whether it’s months, years, or never.
I have learned to let myself be me, discovering the new person I am becoming, and take each day as it comes. One day at a time, sweet Jesus, one day at a time!
I am enjoying life—joining organizations, working in my church, exercising, traveling, and yes, even dating! I still miss Sidney and think of him daily, but I know he is in a better place, and I will be alright. Our love was and will be everlasting!
One thing is for sure: I am not the first or last to lose that special person in their life, whether it was from a long period of illness or a sudden loss. The loss is still there, and it takes time to recover. Will I ever heal? I think not, but I now understand why my mother always felt like she had to hurry home. You never stop missing them. The love never ends. GRIEF!
LeRae “Anita” Jackson has been at OCTC for over four years in the Human Resources Department as an Administrative Assistant to HR and Academic Affairs for the faculty at the Southeastern campus. Anita loves organizing, decorating and maintaining the pleasant atmosphere experienced when visiting the Southeastern campus. She has an associate degree in accounting and is considering advancing her education. She loves figuring out complicated problems, balancing budgets and auditing files. Anita recently became a member and treasurer of the Owensboro Human Relations Board and is looking forward to seeing changes happen in the city. She has 3 sons, Sid, Mario and Ryan: 4 grandchildren Tyaira, Auriana, Harper and Dominic and 2 grand furs Benji and Busta. In her spare time, Anita loves to crochet, knit, teach Sunday class, usher at her church and dance. Don’t be surprised to see her cutting the rug at the VFW.
